can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize