dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
