You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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