atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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