you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
