Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
