Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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