After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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