the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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