I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize