I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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