sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Randomize
