maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
