The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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