My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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