What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He passed out mid-signature
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Bring me that man meat
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
