Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
