i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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