We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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