Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
