If i come over, it means nothing
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
