Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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