just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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