i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
