I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
