Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
