sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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