I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize