Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
