My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
