I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I AM VODKA MAN
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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