good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
