I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
