So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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