I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
cat food counts as protein by the way
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
