The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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