i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize