i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
