well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
