I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just found puke in my bra..
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
false alarm, still single
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
