stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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