The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
