I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
