I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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