i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
