We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
