if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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