blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
