I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
