You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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