A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
