My room smells like vodka and shame
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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