they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
