To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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