can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
