I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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