Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
