I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
