went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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