I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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