somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
