Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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